तुम

वो पिछली सुबह जो एक बूँद मोती की तरह  बैठी थी ना पत्ते पर, याद है तुम्हे?
जिसे घूँट भर पी लिया था मैंने, जाने कैसे एक बूँद से प्यास बुझी थी,
मुझे लगता है तुम वही बूँद हो!
आँखों में सूरमा लगाया था मैंने, वो रुक कर पीर के बाजार से ली थी न एक डब्बी,
लगाती हूँ तो अलग ही नूर छा जाता है चेहरे पर,
तुम सूरमे की वही डब्बी हो!
एक लाल दुपट्टा बनवाया था पिछली गर्मियों, सुनहरी जरि की किनारी है जिस पर ,
जिसको लपेटे मैं पूरे घर भर में घूमा फिरती हूँ बिना बात,
उस दुपट्टे की लाली हो तुम!
बाल लम्बे हो गए है देखो कितने, सुबह आज कैसे बल पड़े थे सारे बालो में,
सुन्दर लग रहे थे न, जल पड़ी थी वो कुम्हार की लड़की जो गुल्लक देने आई थी,
तुम ही तो हो वो घुंघराले छल्ले मेरे बालो के!
कल  लड्डू बांधे थे मैंने बेसन के, तुम्हारा घर जब खुश्बुओ से भर गया था,
कैसे भागे आये थे तुम मीठा चखने के बहाने!
तुम्ही तो हो वो सारी खुशबुएँ !
मेरे हाथ क्यों घंटो पकडे बैठे रहते हो?
महसूस किया कभी की कैसे मुलायम हाथ है मेरे?
वो जो मखमल मखमल सा महसूस होता है, वो तुम्ही तो हो!
 पता है तुम्हे,   कल एक लाल गुलाब मिला पलंग पर, जब सो कर उठी मैं,
उसे देख तो मुस्कुरा ही पड़ी, पापा ने रख दिया था मेरे पास,
उन्हें कैसे पता लगा की मुझे तुम चाहिए?
जब लबो से लगा कर गिलास पानी पीती हूँ ना मैं,
और पानी का कतरा कतरा जैसे गले से नीचे उतरता हुआ आवाज करता है,
पिलाने वाले को पता चलता है की प्यास बुझ गयी प्यासे की,
तुम वही कतरा कतरा पानी हो मेरे जीवन के!

इन्द्रधनुष

जैसे शांख होती है ना बिना पत्तो के,
जैसे सर्दियों में माटी होती है, बारिश के इंतजार में,
जैसे पत्तझड़ में धरती होती है सूखे पत्तो से पटी,
पर सूरज से वंचित,
जैसे पूर्णिमा के चाँद पर बादल छा जाता है कभी कभी,
जैसे मछली होती है पानी के बाहर,
ऐसा ही है मेरा अस्तित्व तुम्हारे बिना,
तड़पती हूँ मैं,
छटपटाती भी हूँ,
दिल को ढाढ़स देती हूँ ये सोच कर,
की मेरे पास नहीं हो तुम, तो क्या हुआ,
मुझे पता है,
मेरा प्यार तुम्हारे अंदर से झांकता है,
तुम्हारी परछाई में मैं झलकती हूँ,
तुम्हारी मुस्कुराहट में मैं खिलखिलाती हूँ,
तुम्हारे हाथों की रेखाओ में मैं थिरकती हूँ,
तुम्हारे आसपास जो हवाएं चलती है ना,
और कुछ नहीं है वो,
मैं पुकार रही होती हूँ तुम्हे,
वहा तुम्हारी पलकें झुकती है, यहाँ मैं नदी की तरह मुड़ती हूँ,
तुम मेरे पास नही तो क्या हुआ,
मैं ही अकेली नहीं,
देखो,
वो गीत भी सुर ढूंढ रहा है अभी तक,
उस फूल को भी पता नहीं कि किस रंग का वो खिले,
चिड़िया का वो बच्चा फुदकता हुआ गलत डाल पर जा बैठा है,
उस लड़की की कलाइयाँ भी ढूंढ रही है वो सुनहरी चूड़िया,
पर मैं तुम्हे कैसे समझाऊ,
माँ होती तो रो देती,
पिता होती तो डाँट के बताती,
बहन होती तो थोड़े नाटको से समझाती,
भाई होती तो थोड़ी मार से बतलाती,
बीवी होती तो रूठ जाती,
बालक होती तो गले से लिपट जाती,
मेरा तुम्हारा क्या रिश्ता है पता नहीं,
मेरे पास अगर कुछ है, तो बस यही चंद शब्द,
इन्हे ही मेरा प्यार समझना,
इन्हे ही मेरी मल्हार,
ये शायद बयां कर पायेगे मुझे,
और जो ना कर पाये, तो जाने देना,
बस एक गुजर करना,
सूरज की वो रौशनी बन कर गिरना मुझ पर,
की मैं इन्द्रधनुष बन कर छा जाऊ इस आसमा पर।

इंतजार

तुम दूर हो फिर भी खुद को पूरा महसूस करती हूँ मैं,

तुम्हारी बिखरी बिखरी सी खुशबू है घर में, 

उसको इकट्ठा करती फिरती हूँ मैं,

तुम साथ नहीं सोते, पर रजाई में सिलवटें तो वही है,

तुम आगोश में नहीं लेते, 

पर मेरे शरीर में सरसराहट तो वही की वही है,

तुम देख नहीं सकते,

पर सँवरती तो मैं रोज हूँ,

तुम चूम नहीं सकते,

पर आँखें बंद कर इंतजार तो करती हूँ मैं,

हाथ बढ़ा कर बाँहों में भर नहीं सकती तो क्या हुआ,

तुम्हारे इंतजार में हर एक पल के साथ पिघल तो सकती हूँ मैं। 

Another one, for you.

If I am sick or well,
if I am busy or free,
if I am myself or not,
you are my first thought in the morning.
I smile when I remember your face,
the more I think about you,
the more I fall for you.
The more I love you,
the more I wanna love you.
The more I caress your cheeks,
the world becomes more and more beautiful.
The more I hug you,
the more I feel protected.
You have become such a part of my life, 
I wanna encounter the darkest within me,
and turn all that into sunshine, 
sunshine that will keep lightening our lives forever and ever.

For you and only you.

As soon as I opened the door,
you were standing there, looking at me,
yes, it was you,
and I just collected myself,
and went to a corner of the room,
I was laughing and laughing,
my eyes were crying out loud with happiness,
I was amazed,
how could one person, one living soul,
bring so much happiness, so much love, so much joy,
not just to my conscious, but to my unconscious self,
not just to my body, but to my soul as well,
not just to the human in me,
but to the inhumane as well.

Travelogue of a single woman traveller

I wanted to travel. I did not want to travel alone though. As always, I tried connecting with almost all close friends from my phone book and inquired if they were also interested. Everyone had different things and tie ups. Somehow, when I need people to come along, everyone is busy. Maybe I just feel like that and it is not entirely true. Well, what so ever! I had realized that if I have to go, I have to go alone. It is not that I have not traveled alone before and I have some interesting stories from those travels. The previous travel experience was mixed. I had gone alone to a popular honeymoon destination of India, i.e., Munnar, Kerela. Its beautiful weather, mountains, peaks, clouds, tea estates, would make you feel as if you are high up somewhere, not literally, but like high in life. My experience was good apart from the fact that a cab driver, while dropping  me at my hotel, at about 9 in the night, asked me if he can stay in my room for the night. The hotel belonged to his cousin. I told him, "No, that is not how it works. You get paid for showing me around and nothing more". Well, this was not what I told him though. I said no, and went inside. I told his brother about the incident and went to my room. That was a difficult night. The hotel was in the middle of a tea estate, on the top of a hill, and my room had multiple big glass windows. Somehow, I got the idea, that he might try to break in or something. I informed a couple of friends about the incident, gave my address, kept my pepper spray near my pillow, locked everything properly, and using the powers vested in me by the gods of sleep, slept like a child.

Maybe, that is why I was a bit skeptical going alone. Then, I stumbled upon a series of blogs by solo woman travelers. I realized that it is not just me who do not find travelling companions easily and it is a well known problem. The difference in me and others were, they had accepted this and I still needed to. I shook off all the hesitations I had from before and decided to go for it.

I decided to go to Goa. I spent quite some time to finalize the place as I had a few peaks in my mind that I wanted to climb. But, it was almost monsoon, and after much contemplation I decided against the trekking trips. Someone once told me, that if you are going to a new place, you just need to plan two things beforehand, a ticket and a hotel/place to go once you reach there. To this day, I follow that advice. I booked a room in Panjim, Goa and boarded the night bus. What followed was a couple of days of amazing fun and a life time experience. I regained my faith in travelling alone. 

Here are some pictures from the trip for your entertainment. 

In some colorful market. Wow, colors make my day. 

 

From the top of Altinho Hill

The greenery  and the hidden hut in the middle :)

No leaves, only flowers.

Custard Apple. I get excited whenever I find it somewhere as I have its plant at home. It does not bear any fruits though.

Entry to Reis Magos Fort.

View from the fort. 

Yup, that is me. Inside the solitary confinement cell.

Blue. 

Yellow.

An interesting temple I visited.

Port Wine @ The Upper House

Prawn Samarachi Kodi @ The Upper House

Lights and Mandovi, together at night.

Ferry time.

I do not now what I like about this pic. 

I don't know what am I trying to capture here.

Cycled up to the Reis Magos Fort. Trying a pic while cycling.

Fish Thali @ The Ritz. The restaurant closes at 3 PM . I got a place to sit on my second visit. They gave me a place on a table where a family of 3 was eating. Nice family from Mumbai. :)

Sunset @ Miramar Beach. Sunsets make me romantic and thoughtful.

      Wine @ The Black Sheep Bistro. This is a very nice restaurant opened 

                up recently by a brother and sister pair. Cuisine is Goan  - Western Fusion. 

   I had such an amazing dinner there. I was alone and had planned to 

         write but there were these sweet retired people sitting on the next table 

and I talked to them the whole time. 

Kosher in Orange Beurre Blanc sauce @ The Black Sheep Bistro. It was amazing.

  I forgot the name of this fruit but it was very yummy. The hotel owner took me and another
guest at the hotel, to his house in the village which he had recently bought. 

Jackfruits @ his house :)

Travelling alone was a lot of fun. Actually, it also depends on the kind of place you are in. I had completely different experiences in Goa and Munnar. In Munnar, people were surprised to see me alone and were curious to know why was I travelling alone. They asked if I had fought with friends and family. Walking alone in the streets around, I noticed that people were looking at me differently. Generally, I did not care but I cared when the cab driver asked me that question. Just because I was alone, he thought he could sleep with me. I had been very kind to him the whole day and maybe that was something he interpreted incorrectly. 

To travel alone, you just need to be a bit more realistic, prepared and cautious. Obviously, you should love travelling. Travelling alone is not a good concept for people who like to visit a new place and complete the standard itinerary with friends and family. Because then you will get bored alone and you will feel uncomfortable. Travelling alone is good for people who want to meet new people, understand new culture, new cuisine, immerse in that culture for a while, be accepting towards what ever that place is offering, and explore new untrodden paths. It is for people whose aim is not to tick mark places out of a list. It is for people who are ready to stay in a particular place for a while and give it the time it deserve before moving onto another one.

Look far off.

There are both pros and cons of travelling alone as there are for every other thing. First of all, you need to be that kind of a person and a travel enthusiast. Secondly, you can not avoid the fear of being alone and running into some danger. The fears are more if you are a woman. Believe me, just understand that those fears are natural and accept them. Prepare yourself in case you have to face any one of them. Smartly choose the city or the country you are planning to visit. I would have gone to some other place instead of Munnar, given it was my first travel experience alone (within India).  Goa is the best place in those terms. People do not care much even if you are alone. There are lots of things that you will have fun doing alone and there will be other single travelers as well. As per safety is concerned, I found it to be quite safe. Once, I was going back to the hotel after having my dinner and it was quite late, maybe around 11 PM or so. I was worried and I was wondering if I would reach the hotel safely. Clearly, I had not planned it well and I had just enjoyed a great meal at a very nice place along with some very good people whom I had met at the hotel. They had left before me as they finished their meal earlier. I was walking down the road and few bikes approached me. One of them asked if I wanted a drop. He said I am a pilot biker. First I got a bit awkward but then it struck me. One of my Goan friend had informed me about this concept. There are pilot bikes within Goa which operate after say 10 PM till morning. They drop you to your place and you pay them. The guy was so nice and we searched for the hotel in the night as I took him on a wrong turn but he did not crib about it. So be cautious, informed, and take advantage of what the place offers you.

      OMG! Look at the chilly. We had ordered Dal Tadka, Baingan Bharta and rice. We wanted to eat simple 

but got scared when the food came. 

Make sure that when you are travelling alone, you book a nice place in the center of the city or close to the area where you wish to roam around or explore. Then you would not have to depend upon any kind of transport as such. You would not worry even if you get late while coming back in the night or you would not worry about catching that morning bus. Keep a pepper spray/small knife in your bag. Believe me, it is all worth it. You get so many opportunities to connect with so many new and different kind of people. They will tell you their life stories over a cup of coffee or a meal as if they know you for years. You will do the same. I made friends with a Brazilian girl who was staying in the same hotel as mine. I have lost her email id though. Sighs. I had multiple conversations with random people here and there. I might not be in touch with all of them but it added up to my life experience. While travelling alone, you would not have to worry about anybody else or adjust as per anybody else's schedule. Sometimes on trips I get irritated because people are not ready to leave their rooms. You have to push them to wake up, get ready and what not. Now, you are alone, get up when ever, eat what ever, and do what ever. I had never imagined that I can have such a blast travelling alone.

I realized that you hesitate or get scared of the unknown. You go to a new place, you do not know anybody, you might not speak their language, you do not understand the routes, you do not understand the culture and type of people, and this is all that scares you off.

Shed all those fears and get going. Take it step by step and believe me things do work out. Book a ticket to the place you have been wanting to go for a while now. It is now or never. 

The Young Boy - Part 1

She was wandering down the streets carrying her yellow bag. Maybe, she was looking for someone but she was not sure. She looked around to suddenly find herself among a lot of people. Each one of them looked busy. Everything was so vibrant. She tried to imagine a place without these markets and people, but she could not. She was not looking for familiar faces in the crowd, instead she searched for faces she could become familiar to. Her eyes fell on a young boy who was about 9-10 years old. He was wearing a khaki shirt and a khaki shorts and was running around with a tray full of tea glasses. He was going to each and every shop and was giving tea. When his tray of glasses used to get empty, he would go back to the small, tin shaded tea shop in the corner. He looked absorbed and content in his activities. It seemed as if that was his whole world. He exchanged smiles with everybody, and engaged in conversations with them. She wondered how could such a small boy be so content with selling tea. Instead of selling tea, he should have been going to school at that age. Did he not miss school and the fun that children have at school? Did he not wish to make friends?  

 All these questions were hammering her head from all different directions. Maybe, he had never been to school and he did not even know a single thing about school life. She wanted to talk to him. A loud voice from somewhere nearby came, "Azhar". The young boy with the tray of tea glasses ran to the big guy who was standing in the plastic goods shop and was calling out his name. Their tea had gone cold and he wanted Azhar to replace the cold tea with some hot one. He was shouting at Azhar and was blaming him that he had bought the tea very late to the shop. Azhar, was looking at him intently and was waiting for him to stop shouting so that he could explain. His face neither showed anger nor impatience. He  had calmness and serenity over his face. She wondered from where he had got such tranquility. It was important for her to talk to him. She would have to wait for a long time though. It did not seem like that he was soon going to take a break. She decided that she would come again the next day. She knew he would not go anywhere.

She grasped onto her purse, gave the boy a last glance for the day and started walking towards the main road. She could still hear voices behind her and people shouting out, Azhar, Azhar.

ज़िन्दगी

शब्द ही है जो कभी कभी  नज्में बनते है,
नज्में ही है जो कभी कभी कुछ याद दिला देती है,
यादें ही है जो उस वक़्त को ज़िंदा रखती है।

एक खुशनुमा बहार जैसा वो वक़्त,
एक ठंडी बौंछार जैसा वो वक़्त,
एक मीठे अमरुद जैसा वो वक़्त,
कभी आधा कच्चा लगता है,
कभी आधा पक्का।
सोच सोच कर मुस्कुराती तो हूँ मैं,
टीस सी भी उठती है पर कभी कभी कही।

जैसे सुबह सुबह ओंस से भीगी घांस पर चलने से
छींक आती है ना, पर मजा भी आता है,
जैसे एक प्याला वो पी कर कड़वा तो लगता है,
पर पैर भी थिरकते है,
जैसे बारिश में भीगने पर बाद में ठण्ड लगती है,
पर मन में सितार बजते है,
जैसे खट्टा आम खाने पर गला भारी सा लगता है,
पर नमक और आम नटखट सा बना देता है,
जैसे पेड़ पर चढ़ कर फल तोड़ने से गिरने का डर लगता है,
पर वो फल ज्यादा मीठा लगता है,
जैसे स्कूल में साथ पढ़ने वाले लड़के का नाम डायरी में लिखने से
हिचकिचाते तो है, पर लिखते भी है,
जैसे साइकिल तेज चला कर आँख चुरा कर उसी रास्ते से निकलते है
जहाँ से पापा मना करते है, पर निकलते तो है,
जैसे मम्मी बाजार जाती है तो पीछे से छुप छुप कर दोस्तों को
फ़ोन करते है, पर बातें खूब करते है,
जैसे भाई बहन को भला बुरा कह लड़ाई तो करते है, पर जल्दी
ही सुलह भी करते है,
जैसे अंकल के सिगरेट पीने पर मुँह तो बनाते है, पर आधी बुझी
सिगरेट को छत पर ले जा कर जलाते तो है,
जैसे हर दोस्त से कहते है की तू मेरा सबसे प्यारा दोस्त है,
पर कहते हुए उस सबसे प्यारे दोस्त के बारे में सोचते तो है,
जैसे रात के बारह बजे चाय पीने से संकोच करते है,
पर बिस्कुट डूबा कर पीते तो है,
जैसे पडोसी के बाग़ीचे से फल ना चुराने का दावा  करते है,
पर पके पके फल ढूंढ कर स्वाद से खाते तो है,
जैसे रात में इधर उधर की आवाजों पर सकपकाते तो है,
पर डर ना लगने का दावा भी करते है,
जैसे अपनी पसंद के लड़के का फ़ोन आने पर
उसे पाँच-छः बार बजने देते है, पर मुस्कुराते तो है,
जैसे साड़ी पहन कर ना चल पाने का नाटक करते है,
पर अपने ऊपर इतराते तो है।

ऐसा ही है मेरा जीवन,
थोड़ा डर, थोड़ी शरारत,
थोड़ी मुस्कान, थोड़ी हँसी,
थोड़ी धूप, थोड़ी छाँव,
थोड़ा साथ, थोड़ी तन्हाई। 

शायद

शुरुआत तो बस एक चिंगारी भर से हुई थी,

एहसास हुआ था मुझे, की साथ बस इतना नहीं हमारा,

पर हर गुजरते पल के साथ एक सोच ठिठकती है मन में,

क्या अर्थ है हर गुजरते दिन का साथ में,

क्या दिशा दे पाउंगी मैं इस मोहब्बत को,

क्या कुछ हो पायेगा हमारे दरमियाँ,

क्या ठीक है मेरा तुम्हारे साथ होना,

तुम्हे तो पता भी नहीं ये सोचती हूँ मैं,

शायद तुम भी सोचते हो। 

Let that soul flow out of you

I don't want to wait for you. I don't want you to wait for me. Let us be like this always. There is no as such definition of always. It is just today and nothing else matters. As humans, we tend to attach ourselves to things that surround us in this world. If you observe and understand, you will know that there is nothing worth attaching yourself to. And what is it that you are unhappy for? Try and remember the day you came to this earth. Okay, I know you can't. But imagine yourself as a crying naked baby all soaked in blood. The nurse took you in her hands and wrapped you in a white cloth. She then cleaned you and gave you to your mother. That was the first time you saw your mother. An association developed and you attached yourself with her. Later on you became habitual of every thing that surrounded you in your life, such as, your toys, your cloths your cycle, your school uniform, your books, your water bottle, your friends, your phone, your bag, your jeans, your bike, your girl friend/boy friend and what not. How do you think it is going to work? If you had come alone and you have to go alone, then how do these associations and bindings going to work? Do not worry so much. Look at yourself. You already have forgotten your childhood. It is a new you already. Then why do you worry about loosing people or things? You are loosing a part of yourself each and every day as well. There is something or the other that you forget. As different phases of your life pass on, a person grows on another person. First there is childhood, then you are an adolescent and so on. If you worry about dying, then look at what you have already lost and understand that nothing is permanent. And it is for your own good that it is temporary. Would you like to remain with the same people always? I guess not. Would you like to remain the same person always, I guess not. Then stop clinging to these relationships and things. Think of them as part of your day. Be happy if at the end of the day you feel content with yourself and be happy if you feel you have been good with people. Worry about nothing else. Worry about no one else. Everything is temporary and will go one day. What will remain is you and your experiences and your soul which has impressions of different personalities that have emerged out of you day by day. Let that soul flow out of you. Don't be sad about it. Be happy. Be proud that one performance is over and now you can embark upon many more.    

Yanni

I travel beyond the skies,
I travel beyond the depths,
I travel beyond my life
and into my death.

The notes have bought me higher
and higher and higher.
Look,
there floats my soul
above the clouds,
the sun feels like the moon,
and a slight wind is blowing.
I won't go back now.
You can not descend from such heights.

I do not have wings
and I fly around.
I float with my head up,
my hair swirl around me,
the stars gaze down at me
and I make the winds dance.
Clouds are melting into me
or am I melting into the clouds?
It is hard to say.
I never imagined death to be so beautiful,
millions of melodies encapsulate me,
bind me and pull me,
from all around.

Everything feels a part of each other.
Why do I see my fingers disappearing?
They are just melting away into the winds,
they are just melting away,
a white smoke is rising from my mouth
or is it the cloud again?

Let me drink you up

Let me drink you up,
I don't think you will get empty,
For you are like a river,
It's just that you are too salty.

Maybe you are an ocean then,
Let me see your depths,
Rise and crush me
And throw me on the shore ahead.

Let me adorn you,
For you to unwrap me,
Let me be with you,
For we are both without company. 

You roar so much,
Pour that anger into me,
Let me see all your shades,
I know it will be worth it.

Let me drink you up,
You won't get empty.

माँ

मुझे किसी एक दिन कि जरुरत नहीं,

आपसे अपने प्यार का इजहार करने के लिये !

सोचती है आप कि मैं याद नहीं करती आपकों,

कैसे बताऊँ कि मेरी हर सोच ही जा कर जुड़ जाती है आप से !

वो रातें याद है गीले गालोँ वालीं मुझे, 

जब कुछ बुरे सपनो से जागती थीं मैँ, 

बुरा बुरा सोच कर रोती थीं, 

घंटों आपकी याद में सिसकिया भरा करती, 

क्या करती, इतनी दूर और छोटि जो थी मैँ ! 

वैसे तो मुझे किसी को रोते देखना पसन्द नहीं, 

मुस्कान ही सबके चेहरे पर मुझे भाती है, 

पर आपको जब जब रोते देखा है, 

बहोत दर्द सा हमेशा महसूस हुआ है, 

तीर से लगे है कुछ तो,

हज़ारो सुइयों ने जैसे छुआ है !

यूँ तो मैने बखान किये है सबकेँ,

आपके लिए आज वक़्त निकाला है, 

पर जो लिख पायी हूँ किसी के लिये कुछ,

तो वो भी तो आपही की प्रेरणा है !

आप ही हो वो जल का स्रोत,

मेरा जीवन जिससे मैने सीचा हैं, 

आप ही कि गर्मी से,

इन ठंडी शीत लहरो में भी खुद को महफूज पाया है !

मेरी कलम कि स्याही आप हो,

मेरे बनाये खाने मे खुशबू जो है वो आप हो,

मेरी बनायीं तस्वीरो से झाँकता जीवन आप हो! 

और हो भी क्यों ना ?

आपके अन्दर रह कर नौ महीने

मैंने ये सब सीखा है !

आपकी उस एक मुस्कान में इतना प्यार बसा है, 

जब भी याद किया है उसको, अश्रु आँखों से पानी कि तरह बहा है ! 

आपकी आँखों कि सच्चाई से, सीखा है मैने बहोत क़ुछ,

शायद इसलिए आज मेरी आँखें भी एक आईंना है !

आपकी खनकती चूड़ियों से, थिरकती पायल से, 

मुझे हमेशा एक संकेत मिला है ! 

गाल सहलाती है जब आप 

अपने उन मुलायम हाथोँ से, 

गोद में सर रख कर 

उंगलिया फेराती है जब बालोँ मे, 

मंन में एक उन्माद सा होता है, 

जहन्नुम में जन्नत का एहसास सा होता है !

हमेशा ही हक़ जताया है आप पर मैने,

हक़ है भी ज्यादा मेरा, 

सब के बदले का प्यार जो मैने आप पर लुटाया है ! 

आपका आँचल पकड़ पीछे पीछे घूमती थी मै,

मौका सा मिलते ही आपके गले से लिपट जाती थी मैं, 

चोटी खीचना आपकी, मेरा अधिकार हमेशा रहा है, 

पेट पर पुर्र पुर्र करना आपके, इसमें ही तो जीवन का मजा है !

हर परीक्षा से पहले आपने,

अपना साहस मुझमे बाँधा है ! 

हर कठिन कूच से पहले 

आपके स्मरण ने, 

मुझे सफलता का शिखर दिखाया है !

आपकी आवाज से जीवन में मीठास सा वो घुलता है, 

आपके हर एक दर्द पर, 

कही मुझे चोट लगी है, ऐसा क्यूँ लगता है ?

आपको पता है सरल शब्द ही मेरे हृद्य का रास्ता है, 

ऐसा नहीं है कि कठोर वचन नहीं कहे आपने कभी, 

आपके कठोर वचन लगे है पत्थरो से तेज,

आप पर मेरी माँ है, 

मेरे जीवन का अंकुर आपही के अन्दर अंकुरित हुआ है ! 

नाराज इसलिए हो नहीं सकती अपसे, 

नाराज हो कर जाऊँगी कहा ? 

पूरा संसार मिल कर भी मुझे प्यार करेँ, 

तब भी वो घड़ा सिर्फ़ आपही के प्यार से पूरा भरा है ! 

सब मिल कर दुआएं दे, 

तब भी आपकी उस एक प्रार्थना का ज्यादा असर हुआ है! 

आप ही मेरी माँ है, 

मेरे जीवन के हर सच का सच, 

हर साँस के साथ कही गयी मेरी वो प्रार्थना है !

जीता जागता विष्णु स्वरूप,  

सरस्वती सीता शिव कान्हा सब मुझे यहीं मिला है ! 

मेरे कहे कठोर वचन, 

ह्रदय पर ना लेना,

माँफ कर देना मुझे,

कभी जो मैने दिल आपका दुखाया है!

कोटि कोटि प्रणाम है आपको,

आपके चरणों में स्वर्ग मेरा बसा है,

आप मेरी माता है, 

आप मेरी माता है !

The White Horse

There is that white horse.
It is the one I wish to ride.

I know it will ride away with me,

together we will gallop away,

gallop away far from the obvious abodes. 

I want to gallop away into the skies above,

I want to gallop away into the deep blue seas,
I want to gallop away into the dark forest,
where the black woods would bind me.

I want to gallop away into some far forsaken love,
I want to gallop away into the winds,
I want to press my lips against hers,
make wild love, fight and leave when it all begins.

I want to gallop away into the shadows,

I want to gallop away into the fall,

I want to gallop away into that light,
that seems to come from a bit far.

I want to ride my white beauty on the oceans spread too far,

I wish her hooves smash the arrogant waves,

and together we go tearing the fire that blazes everyone apart.

I will ride her against the mountain pride,

at the top, the clouds and stars would reach out to us

and together we will spend the night.

My white beauty will take a leap and we will be on that end,
where the suns meet oceans,
where the moon rises and sets with the sun,
where the day and night sleep together
and water dances on the blossom of fire.

I would gallop away into that world,
I would gallop away into that world.

Why can't I remember your face?

Dark black hair,
Black eyes with long black eye lashes.
Aaah!
They make my heart skip a beat sometimes.
Okay, you wouldn't know,
until I tell you.
Your smile, catches my gaze,
movement of your lips,
makes me sweat in cold winter days.
It is going so fast,
that I can not understand it.
But who said,
that you need to understand each and everything?
Can I imagine you sitting there?
I don't think I can.
Though you were here a day before,
and you would be here again,
Why can't I remember your face?
Is it my bad memory
or something else
of which I shall be afraid?

The sea

The beach is loud and wavy.
It is roaring out loud.
Maybe it is sharing its pain.

I walk on the shore,
picking shells,
throwing them again in the water away.
Do I see fisherman over there?
They have spread nets across the sea.
I hope they catch some fish,
before it gets rainy.
Children are playing,
but they are a little away,
the flag is red, I guess.

The smell is different around the sea,
The air is humid and my feet are all sandy.
Even with everything that is happening around,
I feel the sea is forever alone,
Like me it stays,
Sometimes calm and sometimes roary,
but staring at the world always.

शायद कुछ अधूरा सा है

एक बूँद जो आ कर ठिठक गयी है होठों पर,

किसका कर  रही है ये इंतजार ?

प्यास भुजायेगी क्या ये मेरी,

या ये भी हो जाएगी युहीं बेकार?

उसने हाथ थामा तो था,

कुछ महसूस तो हुआ नहीं,

करीब आते आते वो रुका तो था,

दिल पर कसमसाया तो नहीं 

मोहब्बत की उस शमशीर के नीचे,

हम आये नहीं शायद,

वार उन पर तो हुआ है,

हमारी ही किस्मत ने फिर से साथ निभाया नहीं 

उठते गिरते पलकों के परदे से,

जलती भुजती आँखों की चिलमन से,

नब्ज़ की रफ़्तार से,

साँसों के बहाव से,

यकीन सा होता है,

मोहब्बत का वो जाम शायद कुछ अधूरा सा है,

शायद कुछ अधूरा सा है 

Radha - Last Part

He got up late. It was a Saturday so he didn't had to go to the office. He came out and saw Radha arranging stuff around. Breakfast was on the table. She had made aloo paranthas. He took the news paper and sat on the dining chair. He had his breakfast. Radha kept moving around the house arranging cushions, newspapers and everything that surrounded her. 

She looked happy and engaged. She had a different energy in her. He peeked at her hiding himself behind the newspaper. She saw him looking at her. She had to talk to him. 

On saturdays, Akshay generally rests at home. Sometimes, he goes out with his friends. He had planned to watch a football match on the tv. Radha does not watch football. Initially, when she had found out about Akshay's deep interest in football, she wanted to get involved and watch football with him. He felt very uncomfortable with her around watching the match with him, jumping and cheering. He wanted to enjoy it alone or with his friends. So, one day he told her. She stopped watching football after that. 

She bought two cups of coffee and sat near him.

He was flipping through the tv channels. She got up and switched off the tv. 

He was confused. She came back and sat near him.

Akshay looked at her with bewilderment. 

Radha said, "I have to talk to you."

Akshay was surprised. He felt a wave of anxiety running across his spine. He felt uneasy. Last time when she had said something like that, she had gone to her parents house for a month. She did not even texted him once. He also did not care much. He called her after 15 days or so. She did not wanted to come back. He was facing a lot of issues without her so he was very angry. She had gone and did not even inform him that she planned to live at her mother's place for so long. He did not wanted to go and bring her back. He had to get up in the morning and worry not just about the office but hundred other things. He never realized how much she was taking care of when she was there. He spent restless nights. He was not really needy on most of the days and he did not bother if she was. But the days he wanted her, he would just go to her and start doing whatever he felt like. She would not even feel the excitement and he would be done by then. Initially, she did not wanted to hurt him and went along. But later, she started making excuses and out rightly rejected his demands. She would even push him away. Once, he got very angry and could not understand why was she pushing him away. Was he not providing her what she wanted? He got confused and angry. It hurt his ego very much. That night, he slept off in confusion. Next day, he came home for lunch and again approached her. She again pushed him but this time he did not stop. He went inside her. She was shocked and surprised. She shouted but he covered her mouth with his hand. He left her crying and went to the office. She called her home and told her mother everything. Her mother asked her why didn't she let him do it. She was surprised. She stopped complaining to her parents after that.

That was the last time. He did not force him onto her after that. He felt bad about what he did but he never mentioned it to her. He thought if he would say sorry she would get more power to refuse to a lot of other things. He felt that he was taking the right approach. But he did not touch her after that incident without her consent. There were days when she also used him. She would want sex and nothing more. She would ignore all the distances and have him. Later, they would behave as if nothing happened.  

Radha was calling him. He came back to his senses. He realized she wanted to talk to her and was anxiously waiting to start. 

Akshay said, "tell me".

Radha said, " I have taken a decision".

Akshay asked, "About what?".

Radha said, "About us".

Akshay felt the same wave of anxiety striking his spine again. She looked very determined. They were about to talk about something which he had assumed they would never have to. 

Radha spoke then. She spoke for a few minutes only. She didn't care enough to explain much. She was leaving him and was shifting in with Vatsya. 

She said, " It's not about her accommodating me in her life. It's about you never accommodating me in yours."

Akshay could not speak.  

She went inside and packed her bags. He was still sitting on the dining chair. He heard a loud noise coming from a distance. The match had started. 

Radha - Part 3

He woke up feeling very warm. Sun was shining bright through the window. Radha had already woken up. He could hear the shower running in the bathroom. He glanced the clock kept on the side table. It was 8 AM. "She wakes up around this time usually", he thought. Today she was already in the shower. He felt like sleeping some more.

Radha came out a few minutes later filling the room with a beautiful fragrance. He saw her from the corner of his eye. She had washed her hair. She was wearing the white silk gown she wears generally after her bath. Sometimes he looks at her and realize how beautiful she is. She has big eyes, long dark eye lashes, pointed nose, luscious lips and full cheeks. He loves the way her hair flow around and trouble her. He could sense happiness and an excitement on her face. He knew the reason behind her happiness. It kept running in his mind through out the night. The thought of her meeting Vatsya made him anxious. He sat up in the bed all bewildered and sleepy. He closed his eyes again. He wanted his morning tea. He wondered if she had forgotten about it.

Radha saw him and thought "he must be waiting for his tea". Suddenly she remembered and rushed to the kitchen. The gas was on and the tea was boiling. It had boiled and had spilled out. The kitchen slab, the gas stove, everything was in a mess. She had kept the tea on the stove and then went for her bath. She completely forgot about the tea. Her mind was preoccupied. She was planning the day that lay ahead. She was meeting Vatsya at the exhibition. Then they would have lunch at the Thai place she really liked or where ever Vatsya would suggest. She always had fun with Vatsya no matter where ever they went. They would ask about each other's lives, routines, work and what not. Even after talking for hours there would be so much more. They did not meet quite often so there would be a lot to catch up on. Something or the other kept them busy. But now they make a point to meet as frequently as possible. Vatsya also insisted. She could never say no to her. She took some tissues and cleaned away the spilled tea. She took another sauce pan and put a second batch of tea for boiling. She had planned to wear the peacock color dress that she had bought last year. While looking at the simmering tea, she imagined herself in it. She started smiling. She was going out after many days. She did go out every now and then for the normal household work but it had been quite some time that she went out with friends or Akshay for a fun outing. Earlier, on a Friday or a Saturday evening, they used to go out for clubbing, dancing or dinner. But they stopped doing that gradually. They both started to feel awkward around each other in public places. At home, they could remain distant from each other and kept living their own lives. But when they went out, they had to look comfortable and spent a lot of time with just each other. So they stopped going out. Sometimes, she just gets ready to look nice and feel happy about herself. She dresses up and roam around in the house or go out for a walk. She would stand in front of the mirror and tell herself that she looks beautiful.

The tea had boiled and she switched off the gas. She took the cups inside.

Akshay was still sitting on the bed. He took a cup of tea and said to Radha " You up so early today?"
Radha took a sip of tea and said "Yeah, felt like getting up early today".
Akshay said "When will you come back?"
Radha replied "I am not sure. Maybe before dinner."
Akshay requested "Do drop me a text whenever you are back".
Radha said "Okay."

They converse in a very restricted manner these days. They both are aware of the distances between them and the reasons behind those distances. It took them some time to understand each other and by the time they did, they had already moved away from each other. Radha could never understand why Akshay would not open up to her. It was beyond her understanding  that he talked when ever he felt like and refused to talk most of the other times. There was a phase when she really felt alone. She felt as if she was living with a stranger who could only think about himself. A stranger with whom she had slept.  She really needed him and he was not there. He could have been but he chose not to. Then she kind of erased his need from her life. She became neutral towards him. Akshay is aware of all this.

She got up after finishing her cup of tea. Akshay also got up and went inside the washroom. She put on the radio and started getting ready. There was a different air in the house today. An air of excitement and happiness. He also started humming along with the songs in the shower. His mind was not at peace though. He started to plan out the meetings that he had at office and what he would say at the presentation. She was ready by the time he came out. Million of things came to his mind when he looked at her but he chose not to think about anything. A long day lay ahead at the office for him. He has been working towards his promotion. He was completing his work before time, was actively participating in all kinds of activities & meetings and was stepping up to take responsibilities. But this was not the reason behind their estranged relationship. They had become indifferent towards each other a long time back.This december they would be completing four years of marriage and they have been living like this for as long as he could remember. He obviously remembers the starting few months of their marriage. It was an amazing time. They would be all over each other all the time. Dinners and lunches were ordered from outside. People used to knock at the gate for a long time and then would return back. Akshay bunked office many times. A lot of people complained about the calls they never returned. It went on for a few months and life got back to its own pace or maybe even slower.

He looked at her and said "See you!"
Radha said "See you".

She left the house 5 minutes after Akshay. She found her amidst so many people. As always, her face was shining and she smiled & waved towards Radha. They hugged each other and asked about each other's well being.

Vatsya cheerfully said "How have you been?"
Radha replied " I am well. And you?"
Vatsya said "As always. Good."

Vatsya is a tall women of a slim build. She has a long neck, sharp cheekbones and long hair. She keeps her hair open most of the time. She is not as beautiful as Radha but she sure is very attractive and carries herself well.

This art gallery is in the centre of the city and adorns creations from new artists every month. The artist of this month has been talked all over in the news papers and people have appreciated him. He has gained a lot of recognition in a very small time. When Vatsya told her about the artist and his work, Radha was instantly interested. He creates paintings, structures and does some metal work also. Most of his work is based around women and nature. He had used rich colors in the paintings. Even the paintings with gloomy figures had a mix of beautiful colors. Maybe the artist wanted to show people that even if you are sad or you are having a low time, your life on a larger frame is much more colorful. Maybe for the time being you are looking at a smaller frame and you need to shift your focus. Those paintings inspired Radha. She smiled. She was captivated by a painting where a women was wrapped in a khadi color sari which barely covered her body. She was looking up at the sky and was dancing.

That painting somehow reminded her of Vatsya. She looked around to find her and there she was. She was standing a bit far off and was talking to the artist. Vatsya is so enthusiastic about life. Radha miss that in herself. Somehow she had led time and complexities take over her basic self. To be happy, curious and excited about the smallest things in life were features of the past for her. But now she wants to change that. She remembers the day she and Vatsya had met. She was out shopping by herself. One of those days, when she dressed up and went out to get some fresh air. There was this beautiful nursery nearby where she had been planning to go for a little while. She loves plants. She was strolling the nursery carelessly and she ran into a women. She apologized as she knew it was her mistake. The women replied "Don't worry. It happens" . They exchanged smiles. Something felt different and they just started talking. They had coffee at a coffee shop near the nursery. It was a nice day. They bought a few plants and exchanged numbers.

Vatsya called her a few days later and invited her to a play. Radha had felt different for a moment. No one had ever shown this much warmth towards her, specially, in such a short span of time. She could not say no. She didn't wanted to. It was not like that she had great plans for the evening. So she went. Now it has been an year since they have met. They had planned this day out specially to celebrate one year of togetherness. They have shared their problems, their lives and have been with each other through thin and thick. They call up each other even for the smallest of the things . Radha feels that Vatsya watches out her back and is there whenever needed. Vatsya feels the same. They have become very close and understand each other very well.

Radha was initially surprised by Vatsya's lifestyle and her attitude towards life. She used to think, "Could someone be so carefree and just live in the present?". When they had met, Vatsya was in a live in relationship. Soon afterwards, she called her and told her that everything was over. She was in this relationship for almost two years. She has now rented her own space at some distance from the main city and stays there. Radha has seen the house. She visited Vatsya there one day. They had gone to the movies later. She really liked her apartment. It was not big but was beautifully arranged and well kept. It was kind of a studio with a small extra guest room. It had a big balcony with plants all over it. It had the view of a park. Radha had liked it instantly.

Vatsya was standing nearby and was calling out her name. Radha came back to her senses.

They both had finished looking at the exhibition and they head out for lunch. It was a fun day. They catched up on a lot and felt relaxed.

Radha took a taxi back home. She wondered if it was a good day to talk to Akshay. She decided not to think too much.

She was looking out of the window. She asked the taxi driver to increase the volume of radio.

Radha - Part 2

She opened the door and went inside. He came in and kept his bag aside. He took off his shoes and kept them on the shoe rack. Her new slippers were kept there too.

He looked around to figure out what she might have been doing. She was wearing the purple suit she wears at home. That was the suit he bought for her when they had gone to the amusement park together. That was before they got married. While coming back from the park they had stopped at a shopping complex. He saw the purple suit hanging outside a store and instantly thought of buying it. He used to be so confident of what would suit her or what she would like. He was almost always right. The color of the suit has faded now. But nonetheless, she still sparkled in it.

It would have been so easy if he could just ask her.

It used to be so easy when he was young. If he didn't feel like talking to someone or felt annoyed, he would just avoid that person. He would start talking again as soon as he became his normal self. This became harder as he grew up. Disappearing from someone's life was still easy, but getting back had become difficult. He couldn't go back whenever he felt like. In college, friends would remember that he had stopped talking for a while. They would ask and his few jokes wouldn't be enough to change the topic. He tried doing that with Radha too, but she used to dwell deeper into the matter. She did not know that he needed some time and it was all about his own issues. For him, silence was the solution. For her, conversation was the solution. At the end nothing would happen and the silence would win over or they would argue for a few minutes and then go to sleep.

Radha was surprised in the starting but she got used to it. No matter how hard she tried, he would not talk if he did not feel like. The more she used to ask, the more he used to avoid. Finally she accepted it. She is intelligent and rather than troubling herself prefers to accept the situation and move on.

He took a deep breath and asked her, "What have you been upto?".
She gave a quick reply from the kitchen, "nothing much".

She gave him a cup of tea and went with hers to sit on the dining chair. The dining table was kept midway of the kitchen and the hall. It was a dark mahroon color dining set. Radha had chosen it. The apartment had modern architecture. The kitchen was an open style kitchen, integrated with the hall and the dining area. Kitchen was on the left side of the main gate. From the kitchen, one would cross the dining area to get to the hall. The bedroom was on the left hand side of the hall and the dining area. The bedroom was very spacious and had an attached bath with a big white jacuzzi. They had really liked the apartment at the first sight and had booked it without even looking at other apartments. It was costing them a bit extra but it was so comfortable that they thought it was worth a few extra bucks. Sometimes, no matter how much you look you can't find the right thing and sometimes, it is just right there and you don't need to search it.

She started typing something on the laptop. While sipping tea he switched on the tv and started watching the daily news show.

The phone rang. He picked up. It was Vatsya.

He didn't engage with her in a conversation and gave it to Radha. Smiling, she took the phone inside with her cup of tea. He lowered down the volume of tv to hear the conversation. Radha was laughing and talking. Just a few minutes back she was so quiet and now she was the one who was doing most of the talking. Radha said "Tomorrow at 10. Done. See you.". She came out with the phone. He pretended to watch the tv.

He could not resist asking her, "What did Vatsya say? ".
Radha replied after a few seconds, "She wants to go the exhibition".
Thoughtfully, he asked, "Which exhibition?"
Radha said in a low voice "It is an art exhibition. You wouldn't know".

She took the laptop and went inside. 

Radha - Part 1

He was coming back from work. He was thinking whether she would be home or not. Did she mention that she had to go somewhere? Well, she did not.

He was still confused. Maybe she had gone to meet her again. He did not like her meeting Vatsya. There was something strange about her. The first time he met her, he could tell. He did not know why he felt so, but he felt something was different and weird.

Radha did not care about his opinion. After all, does she ever listen to what he says? Not entirely true though. He asked her to come to the office dinner and she went. Wrapped in that white saree, looking like an angel from nowhere. He had looked at her when she was getting ready. He had looked at her reflection in the mirror. She exactly looked like the flying angel on her neck. He moved closer to her and stood beside her. The fragrance from her hair always mesmerizes him. She felt him breathing heavily on her neck. She moved away.

He never understands why she keeps moving away. Maybe she will explain to him once more.

It is a routine for them now. Before, it was he who kept moving away and now she has learned the same tricks from him. It has helped her to get his attention though. But he felt that was not her purpose. She just moved away without analyzing what would happen next.

They still have the morning tea together. It brings both of them to senses. He rushes off to work and then she gets on to her chores. Sometimes he tries to imagine her at home. He would paint a picture of her and wonder what she would be doing. He has seen her at home on his free days. But those days are different. She assembles herself and remains distant. Their is an emptiness around her. He can't understand what that emptiness is or how it can go away. He has also started to dissolve in that emptiness now.

He still remembers the designs on her palm that were there when they got married. The color of heena, the fine designs and his name engraved in her hands. Akshay.

She would notice him noticing her and feeling this vacuum around. She would not say anything or do anything about it though. It was much easier this way.

The first time she heard his name, she wrote Radha and Akshay on the mirror with the red lipstick. She had felt him close to her. Though she had just heard his name. She did not even know how he looked then. She would imagine his face and how he would be. She found it so much fun that she would not ask her parents for his photograph. What lies in the unknown can keep you intrigued and excited. She would be busy in her work and would imagine his face while coming back from work or while watching the tv. She would see herself as the bright lady in the red saree and him as a gentleman wearing jeans.

When she looked at the photograph she had mixed feelings. Now she knew how he looked. She found him handsome. But her colors and canvas became useless and that's what upset her. They both had the freedom to choose their life partner as per their wish. They had the choice to say no. But they both felt that they went well together. A date was fixed and marriage was arranged. Excitement creeped in their skins and life took a new road.

They put up a sign board of their names, "Radha and Akshay", at the front gate of the apartment.

She would come out of the house in the morning to put the dustbins out and get the milk packet.  She would then look at the sign and smile to herself. Seeing a name associated with hers, was an idea that always excited her. His name and personality had captivated her mind and heart.

While searching for the keys, he rang the door bell. He heard some movement.