Why can't I remember your face?

Dark black hair,
Black eyes with long black eye lashes.
Aaah!
They make my heart skip a beat sometimes.
Okay, you wouldn't know,
until I tell you.
Your smile, catches my gaze,
movement of your lips,
makes me sweat in cold winter days.
It is going so fast,
that I can not understand it.
But who said,
that you need to understand each and everything?
Can I imagine you sitting there?
I don't think I can.
Though you were here a day before,
and you would be here again,
Why can't I remember your face?
Is it my bad memory
or something else
of which I shall be afraid?

The sea

The beach is loud and wavy.
It is roaring out loud.
Maybe it is sharing its pain.

I walk on the shore,
picking shells,
throwing them again in the water away.
Do I see fisherman over there?
They have spread nets across the sea.
I hope they catch some fish,
before it gets rainy.
Children are playing,
but they are a little away,
the flag is red, I guess.

The smell is different around the sea,
The air is humid and my feet are all sandy.
Even with everything that is happening around,
I feel the sea is forever alone,
Like me it stays,
Sometimes calm and sometimes roary,
but staring at the world always.

शायद कुछ अधूरा सा है

एक बूँद जो आ कर ठिठक गयी है होठों पर,

किसका कर  रही है ये इंतजार ?

प्यास भुजायेगी क्या ये मेरी,

या ये भी हो जाएगी युहीं बेकार?

उसने हाथ थामा तो था,

कुछ महसूस तो हुआ नहीं,

करीब आते आते वो रुका तो था,

दिल पर कसमसाया तो नहीं 

मोहब्बत की उस शमशीर के नीचे,

हम आये नहीं शायद,

वार उन पर तो हुआ है,

हमारी ही किस्मत ने फिर से साथ निभाया नहीं 

उठते गिरते पलकों के परदे से,

जलती भुजती आँखों की चिलमन से,

नब्ज़ की रफ़्तार से,

साँसों के बहाव से,

यकीन सा होता है,

मोहब्बत का वो जाम शायद कुछ अधूरा सा है,

शायद कुछ अधूरा सा है 

Radha - Last Part

He got up late. It was a Saturday so he didn't had to go to the office. He came out and saw Radha arranging stuff around. Breakfast was on the table. She had made aloo paranthas. He took the news paper and sat on the dining chair. He had his breakfast. Radha kept moving around the house arranging cushions, newspapers and everything that surrounded her. 

She looked happy and engaged. She had a different energy in her. He peeked at her hiding himself behind the newspaper. She saw him looking at her. She had to talk to him. 

On saturdays, Akshay generally rests at home. Sometimes, he goes out with his friends. He had planned to watch a football match on the tv. Radha does not watch football. Initially, when she had found out about Akshay's deep interest in football, she wanted to get involved and watch football with him. He felt very uncomfortable with her around watching the match with him, jumping and cheering. He wanted to enjoy it alone or with his friends. So, one day he told her. She stopped watching football after that. 

She bought two cups of coffee and sat near him.

He was flipping through the tv channels. She got up and switched off the tv. 

He was confused. She came back and sat near him.

Akshay looked at her with bewilderment. 

Radha said, "I have to talk to you."

Akshay was surprised. He felt a wave of anxiety running across his spine. He felt uneasy. Last time when she had said something like that, she had gone to her parents house for a month. She did not even texted him once. He also did not care much. He called her after 15 days or so. She did not wanted to come back. He was facing a lot of issues without her so he was very angry. She had gone and did not even inform him that she planned to live at her mother's place for so long. He did not wanted to go and bring her back. He had to get up in the morning and worry not just about the office but hundred other things. He never realized how much she was taking care of when she was there. He spent restless nights. He was not really needy on most of the days and he did not bother if she was. But the days he wanted her, he would just go to her and start doing whatever he felt like. She would not even feel the excitement and he would be done by then. Initially, she did not wanted to hurt him and went along. But later, she started making excuses and out rightly rejected his demands. She would even push him away. Once, he got very angry and could not understand why was she pushing him away. Was he not providing her what she wanted? He got confused and angry. It hurt his ego very much. That night, he slept off in confusion. Next day, he came home for lunch and again approached her. She again pushed him but this time he did not stop. He went inside her. She was shocked and surprised. She shouted but he covered her mouth with his hand. He left her crying and went to the office. She called her home and told her mother everything. Her mother asked her why didn't she let him do it. She was surprised. She stopped complaining to her parents after that.

That was the last time. He did not force him onto her after that. He felt bad about what he did but he never mentioned it to her. He thought if he would say sorry she would get more power to refuse to a lot of other things. He felt that he was taking the right approach. But he did not touch her after that incident without her consent. There were days when she also used him. She would want sex and nothing more. She would ignore all the distances and have him. Later, they would behave as if nothing happened.  

Radha was calling him. He came back to his senses. He realized she wanted to talk to her and was anxiously waiting to start. 

Akshay said, "tell me".

Radha said, " I have taken a decision".

Akshay asked, "About what?".

Radha said, "About us".

Akshay felt the same wave of anxiety striking his spine again. She looked very determined. They were about to talk about something which he had assumed they would never have to. 

Radha spoke then. She spoke for a few minutes only. She didn't care enough to explain much. She was leaving him and was shifting in with Vatsya. 

She said, " It's not about her accommodating me in her life. It's about you never accommodating me in yours."

Akshay could not speak.  

She went inside and packed her bags. He was still sitting on the dining chair. He heard a loud noise coming from a distance. The match had started. 

Radha - Part 3

He woke up feeling very warm. Sun was shining bright through the window. Radha had already woken up. He could hear the shower running in the bathroom. He glanced the clock kept on the side table. It was 8 AM. "She wakes up around this time usually", he thought. Today she was already in the shower. He felt like sleeping some more.

Radha came out a few minutes later filling the room with a beautiful fragrance. He saw her from the corner of his eye. She had washed her hair. She was wearing the white silk gown she wears generally after her bath. Sometimes he looks at her and realize how beautiful she is. She has big eyes, long dark eye lashes, pointed nose, luscious lips and full cheeks. He loves the way her hair flow around and trouble her. He could sense happiness and an excitement on her face. He knew the reason behind her happiness. It kept running in his mind through out the night. The thought of her meeting Vatsya made him anxious. He sat up in the bed all bewildered and sleepy. He closed his eyes again. He wanted his morning tea. He wondered if she had forgotten about it.

Radha saw him and thought "he must be waiting for his tea". Suddenly she remembered and rushed to the kitchen. The gas was on and the tea was boiling. It had boiled and had spilled out. The kitchen slab, the gas stove, everything was in a mess. She had kept the tea on the stove and then went for her bath. She completely forgot about the tea. Her mind was preoccupied. She was planning the day that lay ahead. She was meeting Vatsya at the exhibition. Then they would have lunch at the Thai place she really liked or where ever Vatsya would suggest. She always had fun with Vatsya no matter where ever they went. They would ask about each other's lives, routines, work and what not. Even after talking for hours there would be so much more. They did not meet quite often so there would be a lot to catch up on. Something or the other kept them busy. But now they make a point to meet as frequently as possible. Vatsya also insisted. She could never say no to her. She took some tissues and cleaned away the spilled tea. She took another sauce pan and put a second batch of tea for boiling. She had planned to wear the peacock color dress that she had bought last year. While looking at the simmering tea, she imagined herself in it. She started smiling. She was going out after many days. She did go out every now and then for the normal household work but it had been quite some time that she went out with friends or Akshay for a fun outing. Earlier, on a Friday or a Saturday evening, they used to go out for clubbing, dancing or dinner. But they stopped doing that gradually. They both started to feel awkward around each other in public places. At home, they could remain distant from each other and kept living their own lives. But when they went out, they had to look comfortable and spent a lot of time with just each other. So they stopped going out. Sometimes, she just gets ready to look nice and feel happy about herself. She dresses up and roam around in the house or go out for a walk. She would stand in front of the mirror and tell herself that she looks beautiful.

The tea had boiled and she switched off the gas. She took the cups inside.

Akshay was still sitting on the bed. He took a cup of tea and said to Radha " You up so early today?"
Radha took a sip of tea and said "Yeah, felt like getting up early today".
Akshay said "When will you come back?"
Radha replied "I am not sure. Maybe before dinner."
Akshay requested "Do drop me a text whenever you are back".
Radha said "Okay."

They converse in a very restricted manner these days. They both are aware of the distances between them and the reasons behind those distances. It took them some time to understand each other and by the time they did, they had already moved away from each other. Radha could never understand why Akshay would not open up to her. It was beyond her understanding  that he talked when ever he felt like and refused to talk most of the other times. There was a phase when she really felt alone. She felt as if she was living with a stranger who could only think about himself. A stranger with whom she had slept.  She really needed him and he was not there. He could have been but he chose not to. Then she kind of erased his need from her life. She became neutral towards him. Akshay is aware of all this.

She got up after finishing her cup of tea. Akshay also got up and went inside the washroom. She put on the radio and started getting ready. There was a different air in the house today. An air of excitement and happiness. He also started humming along with the songs in the shower. His mind was not at peace though. He started to plan out the meetings that he had at office and what he would say at the presentation. She was ready by the time he came out. Million of things came to his mind when he looked at her but he chose not to think about anything. A long day lay ahead at the office for him. He has been working towards his promotion. He was completing his work before time, was actively participating in all kinds of activities & meetings and was stepping up to take responsibilities. But this was not the reason behind their estranged relationship. They had become indifferent towards each other a long time back.This december they would be completing four years of marriage and they have been living like this for as long as he could remember. He obviously remembers the starting few months of their marriage. It was an amazing time. They would be all over each other all the time. Dinners and lunches were ordered from outside. People used to knock at the gate for a long time and then would return back. Akshay bunked office many times. A lot of people complained about the calls they never returned. It went on for a few months and life got back to its own pace or maybe even slower.

He looked at her and said "See you!"
Radha said "See you".

She left the house 5 minutes after Akshay. She found her amidst so many people. As always, her face was shining and she smiled & waved towards Radha. They hugged each other and asked about each other's well being.

Vatsya cheerfully said "How have you been?"
Radha replied " I am well. And you?"
Vatsya said "As always. Good."

Vatsya is a tall women of a slim build. She has a long neck, sharp cheekbones and long hair. She keeps her hair open most of the time. She is not as beautiful as Radha but she sure is very attractive and carries herself well.

This art gallery is in the centre of the city and adorns creations from new artists every month. The artist of this month has been talked all over in the news papers and people have appreciated him. He has gained a lot of recognition in a very small time. When Vatsya told her about the artist and his work, Radha was instantly interested. He creates paintings, structures and does some metal work also. Most of his work is based around women and nature. He had used rich colors in the paintings. Even the paintings with gloomy figures had a mix of beautiful colors. Maybe the artist wanted to show people that even if you are sad or you are having a low time, your life on a larger frame is much more colorful. Maybe for the time being you are looking at a smaller frame and you need to shift your focus. Those paintings inspired Radha. She smiled. She was captivated by a painting where a women was wrapped in a khadi color sari which barely covered her body. She was looking up at the sky and was dancing.

That painting somehow reminded her of Vatsya. She looked around to find her and there she was. She was standing a bit far off and was talking to the artist. Vatsya is so enthusiastic about life. Radha miss that in herself. Somehow she had led time and complexities take over her basic self. To be happy, curious and excited about the smallest things in life were features of the past for her. But now she wants to change that. She remembers the day she and Vatsya had met. She was out shopping by herself. One of those days, when she dressed up and went out to get some fresh air. There was this beautiful nursery nearby where she had been planning to go for a little while. She loves plants. She was strolling the nursery carelessly and she ran into a women. She apologized as she knew it was her mistake. The women replied "Don't worry. It happens" . They exchanged smiles. Something felt different and they just started talking. They had coffee at a coffee shop near the nursery. It was a nice day. They bought a few plants and exchanged numbers.

Vatsya called her a few days later and invited her to a play. Radha had felt different for a moment. No one had ever shown this much warmth towards her, specially, in such a short span of time. She could not say no. She didn't wanted to. It was not like that she had great plans for the evening. So she went. Now it has been an year since they have met. They had planned this day out specially to celebrate one year of togetherness. They have shared their problems, their lives and have been with each other through thin and thick. They call up each other even for the smallest of the things . Radha feels that Vatsya watches out her back and is there whenever needed. Vatsya feels the same. They have become very close and understand each other very well.

Radha was initially surprised by Vatsya's lifestyle and her attitude towards life. She used to think, "Could someone be so carefree and just live in the present?". When they had met, Vatsya was in a live in relationship. Soon afterwards, she called her and told her that everything was over. She was in this relationship for almost two years. She has now rented her own space at some distance from the main city and stays there. Radha has seen the house. She visited Vatsya there one day. They had gone to the movies later. She really liked her apartment. It was not big but was beautifully arranged and well kept. It was kind of a studio with a small extra guest room. It had a big balcony with plants all over it. It had the view of a park. Radha had liked it instantly.

Vatsya was standing nearby and was calling out her name. Radha came back to her senses.

They both had finished looking at the exhibition and they head out for lunch. It was a fun day. They catched up on a lot and felt relaxed.

Radha took a taxi back home. She wondered if it was a good day to talk to Akshay. She decided not to think too much.

She was looking out of the window. She asked the taxi driver to increase the volume of radio.

Radha - Part 2

She opened the door and went inside. He came in and kept his bag aside. He took off his shoes and kept them on the shoe rack. Her new slippers were kept there too.

He looked around to figure out what she might have been doing. She was wearing the purple suit she wears at home. That was the suit he bought for her when they had gone to the amusement park together. That was before they got married. While coming back from the park they had stopped at a shopping complex. He saw the purple suit hanging outside a store and instantly thought of buying it. He used to be so confident of what would suit her or what she would like. He was almost always right. The color of the suit has faded now. But nonetheless, she still sparkled in it.

It would have been so easy if he could just ask her.

It used to be so easy when he was young. If he didn't feel like talking to someone or felt annoyed, he would just avoid that person. He would start talking again as soon as he became his normal self. This became harder as he grew up. Disappearing from someone's life was still easy, but getting back had become difficult. He couldn't go back whenever he felt like. In college, friends would remember that he had stopped talking for a while. They would ask and his few jokes wouldn't be enough to change the topic. He tried doing that with Radha too, but she used to dwell deeper into the matter. She did not know that he needed some time and it was all about his own issues. For him, silence was the solution. For her, conversation was the solution. At the end nothing would happen and the silence would win over or they would argue for a few minutes and then go to sleep.

Radha was surprised in the starting but she got used to it. No matter how hard she tried, he would not talk if he did not feel like. The more she used to ask, the more he used to avoid. Finally she accepted it. She is intelligent and rather than troubling herself prefers to accept the situation and move on.

He took a deep breath and asked her, "What have you been upto?".
She gave a quick reply from the kitchen, "nothing much".

She gave him a cup of tea and went with hers to sit on the dining chair. The dining table was kept midway of the kitchen and the hall. It was a dark mahroon color dining set. Radha had chosen it. The apartment had modern architecture. The kitchen was an open style kitchen, integrated with the hall and the dining area. Kitchen was on the left side of the main gate. From the kitchen, one would cross the dining area to get to the hall. The bedroom was on the left hand side of the hall and the dining area. The bedroom was very spacious and had an attached bath with a big white jacuzzi. They had really liked the apartment at the first sight and had booked it without even looking at other apartments. It was costing them a bit extra but it was so comfortable that they thought it was worth a few extra bucks. Sometimes, no matter how much you look you can't find the right thing and sometimes, it is just right there and you don't need to search it.

She started typing something on the laptop. While sipping tea he switched on the tv and started watching the daily news show.

The phone rang. He picked up. It was Vatsya.

He didn't engage with her in a conversation and gave it to Radha. Smiling, she took the phone inside with her cup of tea. He lowered down the volume of tv to hear the conversation. Radha was laughing and talking. Just a few minutes back she was so quiet and now she was the one who was doing most of the talking. Radha said "Tomorrow at 10. Done. See you.". She came out with the phone. He pretended to watch the tv.

He could not resist asking her, "What did Vatsya say? ".
Radha replied after a few seconds, "She wants to go the exhibition".
Thoughtfully, he asked, "Which exhibition?"
Radha said in a low voice "It is an art exhibition. You wouldn't know".

She took the laptop and went inside. 

Radha - Part 1

He was coming back from work. He was thinking whether she would be home or not. Did she mention that she had to go somewhere? Well, she did not.

He was still confused. Maybe she had gone to meet her again. He did not like her meeting Vatsya. There was something strange about her. The first time he met her, he could tell. He did not know why he felt so, but he felt something was different and weird.

Radha did not care about his opinion. After all, does she ever listen to what he says? Not entirely true though. He asked her to come to the office dinner and she went. Wrapped in that white saree, looking like an angel from nowhere. He had looked at her when she was getting ready. He had looked at her reflection in the mirror. She exactly looked like the flying angel on her neck. He moved closer to her and stood beside her. The fragrance from her hair always mesmerizes him. She felt him breathing heavily on her neck. She moved away.

He never understands why she keeps moving away. Maybe she will explain to him once more.

It is a routine for them now. Before, it was he who kept moving away and now she has learned the same tricks from him. It has helped her to get his attention though. But he felt that was not her purpose. She just moved away without analyzing what would happen next.

They still have the morning tea together. It brings both of them to senses. He rushes off to work and then she gets on to her chores. Sometimes he tries to imagine her at home. He would paint a picture of her and wonder what she would be doing. He has seen her at home on his free days. But those days are different. She assembles herself and remains distant. Their is an emptiness around her. He can't understand what that emptiness is or how it can go away. He has also started to dissolve in that emptiness now.

He still remembers the designs on her palm that were there when they got married. The color of heena, the fine designs and his name engraved in her hands. Akshay.

She would notice him noticing her and feeling this vacuum around. She would not say anything or do anything about it though. It was much easier this way.

The first time she heard his name, she wrote Radha and Akshay on the mirror with the red lipstick. She had felt him close to her. Though she had just heard his name. She did not even know how he looked then. She would imagine his face and how he would be. She found it so much fun that she would not ask her parents for his photograph. What lies in the unknown can keep you intrigued and excited. She would be busy in her work and would imagine his face while coming back from work or while watching the tv. She would see herself as the bright lady in the red saree and him as a gentleman wearing jeans.

When she looked at the photograph she had mixed feelings. Now she knew how he looked. She found him handsome. But her colors and canvas became useless and that's what upset her. They both had the freedom to choose their life partner as per their wish. They had the choice to say no. But they both felt that they went well together. A date was fixed and marriage was arranged. Excitement creeped in their skins and life took a new road.

They put up a sign board of their names, "Radha and Akshay", at the front gate of the apartment.

She would come out of the house in the morning to put the dustbins out and get the milk packet.  She would then look at the sign and smile to herself. Seeing a name associated with hers, was an idea that always excited her. His name and personality had captivated her mind and heart.

While searching for the keys, he rang the door bell. He heard some movement.