A Nightmare

I woke up sweating and struggling to breathe. I had the same dream again, I had been left in the market all alone and I could not find any familiar face. I took a few deep breaths and searched for my phone in the dark which I would have thrown on the bed carelessly. After striving for a while, I caught hold of the cold metal, and pressed the home button to see the time; it was 5 AM.

It was still dark outside and a thin streak of cold air was able to enter the room from the narrow gap between the window glass and the wall. I shrugged out of my quilt to close the opening.

My lips were dry and I felt completely dehydrated; I forced myself to go out of my room to get some water from the kitchen. As I took the stairs down to the ground floor of our three bedroom duplex, I saw the light of the master bedroom switched on. My parents were never up so early in the day. I looked at the wall clock hung above the TV to make sure I had seen the time right. 

Their voices coming out of the room made sure that they were up and the light was not left on just by mistake. It seemed as if they are fighting. I went upstairs and picked up A Pale View of Hills. I could not turn even a single page.

I remembered the day they had come to the orphanage and the sister had told me that they would like to adopt me. I was seven then. When I laid eyes on my mother, she started walking towards me, with small steps, trying not to scare me off. She bent down on her knees to make levels with me, asked my name and before I could reply, embraced me in a gentle warm hug. I was surprised, I saw her crying, little drops of water streaming down her cheeks. Her nose had turned red. Her face was round and her dark brown hair floated around her. She stroked my hair gently and caressed my back. 

I felt as if she understood me and was making up for everything by weeping gently. The thought of going away with them and staying with them made me happy. I never felt abandoned, scared or alone, except in my dreams once they bought me home.

I couldn’t sleep. 

Those cold nights in the orphanage, when one of us would burst out crying in the middle of the night, came back to me. I did what I used to do in the orphanage to put myself to sleep, I started counting from 1 to 100. I had reached 99 but I was still trying to figure out why they were fighting. 

I woke up with a headache and with the book lying on top of me. I was late for my Russian literature class. I would only get to the university by noon now. I brushed my teeth looking at the Golden Shower tree right out of my window that stood tall and in full blossom. I came down to find my parents sitting at the dining table. They both looked exhausted, as if they hadn’t slept the whole night. 

“Good morning, papa. How come you are still at home? I also missed my morning class.”

“Sit down, Nitu, there is something you need to know. “

“What happened Papa?”, I was worried as my mother was staring at the dining table, lost in thoughts. She didn’t look at me even once.

“I have decided something and before everything starts, I thought it would be best to tell you. I am leaving your mother.”

My throat parched, and my head started spinning.

“What? What are you saying Papa? Why? Please don't joke with me. Mummy, is this true? Mummy? Mummy?” Mummy didn't reply. I went to her and held her by her shoulders and shook her but she didn’t reply. Her eyes were full of tears. 

I felt as if I was going to be sick. Everything around me was spinning. I clutched a chair and sat down.

I felt as if I was in the orphanage again. 

I always wished to have parents when I was in the orphanage. Whenever I saw a mother carrying her child or a father buying ice-cream for his children, I used to feel heavy. 

How could it work if they separated? Didn’t they know that I could not afford to lose a family again? 

I remember the day I came to my parent's house. They asked me where I wanted to go. 

“Beach.” I had said happily. 

At the beach they bought me balloons, an ice gola, coconut juice. We walked on the wet sand. 

Mummy, papa and I watched the sunset holding hands. That was one of the best days of my life.

Now they wanted to get a divorce? 

They both seemed fine to me, Mummy was still fixing all meals for me everyday. She never forgot about my exams, dance performances, badminton matches, and sometimes even my friend’s birthdays. Papa was still giving me pocket money, and he never forgot even the tiniest of the things he promised me. 

Mummy loved papa, I knew that even if she always gave me priority over everything. I was not that busy to have missed my parent’s marriage falling apart. 

“Mom, please tell me why are you separating? You don't even fight much.”

“We do, Nitu. You might not have seen it”, she said.

“No, I have never seen you both fighting. I know something has happened which you are not telling me.”

“Nitu, it is not something that I can tell you.”

“Your mother won’t tell you anything. She’s very good at keeping secrets.” 

Papa’s tone was bitter. I had never heard him speak that way. 

I was scared and for the first time, I felt that something had really gone bad. Papa took out a whiskey bottle from his bar. He made a drink and put four ice cubes from his small fridge kept in the bar. 

 “Papa, what has happened? Why are you both talking in this manner?"

“Nitu, you are big now. I think I should tell you. Your mother had an affair. Not now, more than 20 years back. She says it was because I was busy.” He looked at her with anguish and took a big sip of his drink.

“It’s not possible. What are you saying, papa? I am sure there is some confusion. We both know she will never do something like that.”

He looked at me intently, “beta, I no longer know who can do what and what not.”

“Will you please tell me clearly what’s happening. I am very confused.” 

I felt as if my head would burst.

“She had an affair with my best friend, Mahesh, when I was away on business to Delhi. ” 

I gasped for air. 

“Not only that, she was pregnant with his child. She had a miscarriage. She lost his baby and maybe that is why we never had a baby.” He gulped down some more whiskey.

“Papa, what are you saying? I don't believe it. Mummy, is this true?”

Mummy, draped in her red sari, stood in the kitchen now serving poha on to a plate. It was for me, I realised. Her eyes flowed with tears. “Is this true what papa is saying? I don’t believe it. Please tell me this is not true”.

She nodded her head.

“But when did all this happen?”, I sobbed.

"It was almost 12 years back", papa said angrily. 

“Why are you both talking about it now? It was long back.”

“I wish I had never found this out. Mahesh shifted to another town long back, and I understand now why.  He sent her a letter, maybe his last one, I don't know. I got it amongst her papers in her cupboard”.

“Please don't be angry with me. Don't think that I have betrayed you. I know I have hurt your father a lot. I have lived in guilt for years. “, mummy kept sobbing.

“You had someone else’s child inside you.”, Papa shouted. He poured himself another full glass of whiskey. 

“Papa, please don't drink so much.”

Papa just looked at me and said, “When we separate, with whom do you want to live, your mother or me?”