There?

Is it the time of year when I should worry
or is it when I tred once again on the journey?

Are you still there or are you gone?
If you hear me,
just go, but take away all your memories,
and while you do
just so, please once look back at me,
it will help me hold on without thee.

The road is dusty and the sun is high,
but wasn't it always our destiny?

If I call out loud will you be able to hear?

and if you can't, 

will you still keep trying listening to me?

you know what,

I am not sure what I would have said,

if you had put up the same question to me.

Do you mind, me mentioning your name to others?

no, not as the hero, but as the beholder of my agony.

Ride, ride fast enough so that the dust rising up behind,
may make all this sadness really blurry.

Don't feel my pain..

You don't feel my pain, Well,
With the wind gushing past away, the tree does
With the moon hiding away, the sky does
With the bee flying away, the flower does
With the waves rising away, the sea does
With the dew melting away, the leaf does
With the water drying away, the earth does
With the smoke smoking away, the fire does
With the conquerer leaving away, the summit does
With the bubble dying away, the water does
With the admirer going away, the beauty does.
So its okay if you don't feel my pain.

Untitled.

How I wish I could make you see this other side of me!
How I wish I could make you look deeper into me!

There is this tug of war going inside
One side pulls me away,
And one side pulls me towards thee.

To decide is not easy,
To leave is not what I wish for.
But I guess such is destiny
It keeps playing games with you
And still you can only say let it be.

This feeling brings with it, its own joy,
its own charm.
No matter what confusion it may give,
yet it's the most amazing things that have ever happened to me.

Love is all around. :)

Every time when I see you smile,
my heart starts pouring colors on the canvas of my life.
The colors gets mixed up and dance,
a painting starts building up of its own of romance.

When your voice fills up my ears,
A cool breeze starts blowing,
No matter how hard I try,
I can never stop my thoughts from flowing.

When you hold my hand,
I travel miles with you.
The most beautiful part is, that I do it
without you ever knowing.

Your touch blossoms me in a way,
that no flower could ever imagine.
Up & down, down & up,
throughout my body a soft music plays.

When you look at me,
every part of my body breaths.
Like all have realized,
the reason why they exist.

Your eyes are so intense,
I am afraid of looking into them.
I am afraid that they would catch my gaze,
and they would catch it such, it would never get released.

Your presence secures me,
it makes me feel safe.
But why is it then, I try to run away and go to a place
where you can never follow me ablaze??

Your fragrance makes me dance,
It blows away all my sorrow and tense.
It fills the aroma all around me,
In a way that makes me wanna stay forever in it.

All your promises I keep close to my heart,
the fear of loosing them threatens me.
Your absence I loathe,
what would happen if you leave me?

Wind gushes past my hair,
she makes a noise and teases me.
I keep telling her to sush it down,
go and play somewhere else around.
Don't judge me, its not my fault
I just want to tell you on my own.

Definition

Suddenly she had an urge to run.
To run from one and to run from all.
They wanted her there, but she couldn't bear it.
She started wandering around, searching for loneliness.
When she couldn't find some, she lost all hope.
Her search seemed to be endless.
She started searching other people then.
Way back from her conscious a name came up.
But was it what she really wanted?
Like she had any other choice.
She had to save herself,
so in the end she gave up and walked towards her home.
Deep in slumber she was, opened the door and smiled.
Took her into her arms and bestowed everything she could.
Nothing what has happened matters now.
When the day came for her to leave,
tears rolled down both their cheeks.
Such is friendship and such is love,
You may not be there at dawn but you have to be there at dusk.

Maybe thinking too much

Hey guys. How is everyone? Sorry would try to be more regular from now on. Lots of changes but the most relevant one is that I have started my job and currently I am in Bengaluru.

I went to attend Shaan's concert yesterday with my other two friends from office. The concert was organized by a Bengali club. Durga Puja is starting from 14th and the celebrations have already begun for the bengalis. A lot of bengalis were there and they were all very enthusiastic. The arrangement was quite different from what we had expected. Seats were arranged very properly and the hall was covered from above, so more than a concert the whole thing had an appearance of some society function kind of thing. Well, we found some nice seats at the back under the fan and sat there. As we reached before time and the concert had not yet started, so we went out and had some cold drinks & vada pav. Then some time later the concert was started by June Mukherjee (some female singer I have not heard of before) and after a few songs Shaan entered.

He started around 8:30 and continued till 11. He started with a line of "behti hawa sa tha wo" and then moved onto some other songs. It was awesome. As there were lots of bengalis, he sang one or two songs in bengali also. He made comments like "Is it Bengaluru or Calcutta ??" and "Bengaluru would soon become Calcutta", as there was a huge percentage of bengalis present in the concert. Bengalis went crazy at his comments. He sang one kannad song also and promised people that when he return back to Bengaluru in two weeks he would be prepared with some good kannada numbers.

When everyone was busy enjoying his nice songs, lots of things were going in my mind and it was quiet hard for me not to pen down everything then and there. My brain was justling with my senses which were trying to enjoy the awesome music and songs. But the brain wanted compeletey different thing. It wanted me to notice the difference in everybody's priorities and the difference in everybody's life. The crowd was going crazy and people even  went up to the stage to shake hands with him. They were standing besides the stage to dance to his tunes, to get a closer glimpse of him and to bring themselves to his notice. Towards the end of the concert I also went nearer to the stage and it felt good. Everyone wanted to get acknowledged by him in some or the other way. They were there so that he would at least smile at them or wave to them or listen to their request for a particular song. Nobody seem to be worried about anything else in the world. Their worlds had shrunk to Shaan and themselves. This was the scene on one side and on the other side was Shaan.

He must have been thinking different kinds of things about the people present there. Maybe the hot weather was troubling him. Maybe he was secretly wishing to finish off soon and fly back to Mumbai to record his new song or fly to Brazil to start his vacation. The people were happy that he was trying to sing in their regional languages and it did not matter to them that he was doing it correctly or not. He was noticing all this. This day was like any other day for him or may be even worse. But on the other hand people were making videos and taking his pictures to show them later to their relatives and friends and flaunt happily that they had attended "Shaan's" concert. 
What a varied spectrum of thoughts!!!!!!

And the thing which made me feel petite was the small instinct in me or the wish in my heart that somehow he may notice me and maybe wave at me. That little something in me which wanted him to acknowledge my presence in this world around him. He is doing what he likes, he sing songs and this is his passion. He is doing it perfectly, no doubt about that. People admire him, respect him because he is good at his stuff.

But have you ever asked yourself that do you admire your own self? Is there someone who looks upto us? Well the answer to this question may differ from person to person. I do not know what do I want in my life but the important question is that do I have the courage to realize my passions and stand up to acknowledge them and start following them. The day this happens would be the day when my subconscious mind would stop pestering me trying to remind me of some incomplete tasks or some important things which need my urgent attention. He sings with such a passion that it brings out the best in him. I feel that many of us and I my ownself want to find out that little something which may drive me crazy and then nobody else's acknowledgment matter to me. In hindi there is a saying " Khudi ko kar buland itna ki khuda tujhse khud pooche ki bata bandey teri raja kya hai", which means that rise so high that God himself asks you what you wish for.

A Tribute.....

My voice choked and my eyes welled up with tears. Papa said to me on the phone " beta, Moradabad wale mausaji aye hai" (Your uncle from Moradabad,  has come).

It struck me somewhere. She had died. Yeah, she had died in the summers. But this was the first realization of her absence. My maternal aunt or so to say my dearest "Mausiji".
She had died of cancer. I was once talking to my mother on phone during the summers and when I asked about my mausiji's well being as I knew she was ill, my mother could not control herself and she bursted into tears. 2-3 days had passed by then. As always, due to the fear of emotional trauma it would cause me, my family had hiden the truth from me. My mother was devastated. As I kept the phone and assured my mother that I would be fine, I did not know how to react. I made myself cry.
I recalled how she had a talk with me in my brother's marriage, some few months back. That was the last time I saw her. No one knew by then. She was complaining to me how I never had time and I was too busy in the marriage to sit and talk to her. She never let me know that she was the one who was short of time.

I saw her photographs. It had come as a shock to all of us. Well what can I say? That was my first closest encounter with death. That was my closest encounter with the cold truths of life. All other pain and sorrows appeared small and crawling infront of this loss.
It made me realize that no one is for ever. I was afraid and cried many times just contemplating how life would turn like in the future. I could not stop myself from imagining that how would it feel to loose my mother and I hated myself for that. But fear had taken its grip on me. I feared loosing everything then.
This is a confession. It was only yesterday, when for the first time, I longed for her voice and her warm hug. Everytime my mom used to tell me "beta, mausiji ayi hui hai, hum masti kar rahe hai" (Your aunt has come and we are enjoying). But this time there was no excitement in her voice. How chirpy she used to become!!! I do not know how is she managing with such a terrible loss. They had spent the childhood together and then were seperated as both got married and went to live at different places. Due to family responsibilities and all other work they met very infrequently, mostly at family functions. I could feel the resentment in the voice of my mother, of not spending more time with her, while she was busy in her household.

Everything looked so damp and dark.

I realized how life keeps moving on and you continue loosing those you love the most. When they are alive, you never have time to listen to them or be closer to them. You are so busy that you do not even realize it. You take everyone just for granted.

But life is cruel. It makes you realize one more thing in the end, that you do not have the time to even mourn for them.

We all will keep loving you Rekha mausi and you will always remain close to our hearts.